HEARING NO, FEELING NO – PART 2

In my last blog post I shared how we respond to hearing “no” and ways to work with the resulting emotions so that we can return to our purpose and use any rejection as creative fuel.

The other relationship we have to “no” is when we have a choice to make. It’s when we are weighing a decision, considering an opportunity – like submitting to a gallery or juried show – that we need to consider the internal “no” we may be feeling to ascertain its true source. I have, and I’m sure many of you have as well, been stopped by my internal “no” when it was likely a good choice for me to move toward that opportunity. 

Unfortunately, in considering the opportunity, I experienced a fear-based response to being out of my comfort zone. That feeling of uncertainty then led me away from what was actually a step towards what I said I wanted to pursue. This is a form of saying “no” to ourselves and our desires.

It can be helpful for us to remember that feelings of uncertainty can arrive naturally when faced with something new, and especially when it’s actually meaningful for us. If we want something deeply, we can be frightened of that desire and having that desire unmet. Perhaps in the past, we didn’t get our needs met or were told we didn’t deserve to have what we wanted. There can be any number of subsconscious narratives that can be activated when we move towards what we desire. 

That connection between our old script, and the uncertainty we feel, creates confusion for us and we tend to give energy to the feelings that are natural, making them bigger than they are. These feelings don’t need to stop us and are very different from the real clear “no” that results from assessing and making a decision based in our truth.

But how do we determine a clear “no” based on our truth, versus a fear-based response that we want to work with and allow ourselves to move through? 

Sometimes we are unclear about how we are truly feeling about an opportunity, and the waters can get muddy with our looping thoughts and mixed emotions. So we may need a little extra time to check in with ourselves to become more clear.

Reflective writing can be useful. As you consider the question or opportunity you are contemplating, begin to think about how to form a question for yourself to work with – or perhaps it is a series of questions you need to consider. For instance, you might ask yourself something like:

When I think of doing ______________, what do I notice? How do I feel? What thoughts are present? 

Often we get stumped trying to unravel a complicated set of feeling states, so just begin with your first thought, even if it seems silly or irrelevant. Think of it as an entry point to your inner knowing, not the actual answer you're after. Just notice what you’re aware of and begin to write about that. 

Next you may want to dig a little deeper into the feelings and thoughts that you have captured. Perhaps you have noticed that you are conflicted – on one hand you want to take this opportunity and on the other you feel anxious about it. 

Begin to meet both of these places within you and see which one feels stronger for you. Can you notice any difference? Does one call to you more? If you imagine missing the opportunity because you allowed your anxiety to stop you, how does that feel? Will you regret having said “no” to yourself? 

Another strategy that can help untangle these conflicting thoughts and feelings about a situation, or opportunity, is to focus on the quality of your energy – or your gut feeling – when you hold the question in your mind.

To do this, begin by sitting comfortably and focussing on your breathing, settling yourself as much as possible. Once you feel quieted and relaxed, bring your question or consideration into your mind. Just hold it there without trying to “think” about it or find the answer, just let it sit in your awareness. Then turn your attention to your body and notice how you feel as you hold this question. Is there tightness or weightiness anywhere in your body? Scan your body and notice any areas of tension or anxiety. Don’t try to figure out what you’re feeling or why, just identify it – a knot in my stomach, my jaw is clenched, a tightness in my throat, etc.

Again, hold your question or opportunity in your mind and now tune into your energy – your inner feeling state – and notice its quality. Does it feel expansive and flowing, or does it feel contracted and closed? Is there a feeling of opening when you think about the opportunity you’re considering, or is there an immediate restriction in your body – a tightness, or a weightiness? 

If there is a feeling of expansion or openness when you consider your question, then the anxiety you may be feeling around it may actually be excitement mixed with the very natural anticipation of encountering a new situation – the unknown is stirring up some discomfort.

We rarely feel fully at ease or ready to do something we’ve not done before or that has unknowable elements to it, so recognizing that this anxious, excited energy would naturally arise helps us to respond from this place of awareness and move towards what we’re after.

However, if the feeling that arrived for you as you considered this question, opportunity, or situation, was more of a contraction and you felt that immediate closing off of your energy, then it is very likely that you don’t want to do what it is you’re considering. This is really good information for you, and this process can really help bring clarity to the situation and allow you to move towards what you want, even when you notice that there is naturally some anxiety around it.

When we arrive at a clear “no” around this question, opportunity, or situation, we may then have to set a boundary with ourselves or with someone else to honour what we have uncovered. 

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable for us, but it does get easier with practice. If you’re aware that this may be an area you could be stronger in then I encourage you to read up on working with boundaries and begin to normalize saying “no.”

Often when we are conflicted about something, we want to say “no” but feel that we can’t, or shouldn’t. For various reasons we may feel that to be a “good person” we should always try to say “yes” to what others request of us. Perhaps, in our life, saying “no” was dangerous or met with push-back from others. Or, like me, you may have developed a “people pleaser” personality to avoid conflict with others and remain safe. This personality type struggles to know how to honour themselves in the face of others' needs and requests. 

So as you can see, “no” is complicated for so many reasons. It often represents setting a boundary with someone, or with yourself. It often carries with it disappointment – the possibility of letting someone down, or abandoning ourselves. It’s loaded with a great deal of personal baggage and wrapped up in our history and experience with what we believe we deserve, are allowed, how we’ll be perceived.

But we can’t set a boundary with someone and take care of their feelings at the same time. We have to respectfully ask for what we need and let them have their reaction to that. If they’re not willing to respect our boundary then we have a choice to make about that relationship. 

For many of us, setting boundaries around our art-making time can be a challenge. And sometimes it’s setting a boundary with ourselves that is necessary – saying “no” to invitations, distractions, and setting our priorities. 

We often feel that our art-making is a privilege, something that we have to earn in some way – first we clear the obligations and responsibilities and then we can make our art. And yet, as artists, making our work is to us like water is to a fish – it’s what keeps us alive. 

If we don’t have healthy boundaries with others, we may not have healthy boundaries with ourselves. We make others the priority. The challenge for us is to recognize when we don't fully believe that we deserve to make our art, especially if we think that others are suffering because of our choice. This is our working edge and opportunity to feel the power of saying “no” so we can say “yes” to ourselves.

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