HEARING NO, FEELING NO – PART 1

Lately I have been thinking about the ways we engage with limits, rejections, and hearing “no” – either from others, or from within ourselves. It’s a complicated relationship we have with “no,”as we typically associate it with a denied request or desire. We feel disappointed, and sometimes downright angry about being told we can’t have what we want. I’m flashing back to that feeling of being a young child and working so hard to get that “yes” – the magic “yes” that allowed me to have what my tiny heart desired. This relationship with “no” starts early for us and seems to carry some weight with it throughout most of our life.  

So how do we feel our way through hearing “no” in response to something we’re seeking? And, how does that differ from sensing and understanding an internal “no” when we’re considering a choice or opportunity. Both invite us to notice our reactivity to the sound of hearing “no” and perhaps experience it differently; more responsively. 

I recently made a submission to a local gallery, along with about 150 other artists. And, like many others have experienced, my work wasn’t accepted – I received a “no.” I was so happy to learn that a good friend of mine was accepted. She got the coveted "yes."

What was interesting to me was my internal response and how it has shifted from years past. Yes, I felt disappointed. That is a natural response to have after not receiving what we had hoped for. But what was noticeably different for me was how I wasn’t making this rejection personal. I wasn’t beating myself up with negative self-talk and feeling defeated.

This wasn’t always the case. It is a common challenge that artists face – managing their internal response to not having their work accepted for a show, a gallery, or not having it sell at an exhibition – which can feel like a quiet, sneaky “no.”

I think this relationship to “no” is an important one for us to pay attention to and work with. If we don’t consider how we respond to hearing “no,” we may find ourselves devastated by a rejection. This can then cast a shadow on the way we view our work, the risks we’ll take, the opportunities we will seek out, and the courage we need to stand back up and try again. 

When we make a rejection personal, we are saying to ourselves that we’re not good enough for that opportunity. That somehow we fell short and are flawed. There is little, if any, self-compassion extended towards ourselves, and our inner critics have a field day piling on the criticism and begin to chant “I told you so.” 

The truth is our ego may be a bit bruised by this rejection, that’s understandable. But when we allow that tenderness to be met with more self-punishment through negative self-talk and feelings of shame – “I must be a bad artist” – we crumble under that weight and decide it’s not worthwhile pursuing any further opportunities. After all, why would we want to feel this way again?  

Our ego recognizes that we’re vulnerable and its primary role is to prevent us from experiencing suffering. So in a moment of disappointment, like my denied gallery submission, it begins to protect us and drag us toward  places that will ensure that we are not risking this emotional suffering again. We then lack the emotional resilience we need to put ourselves out there again, and lose connection with that part of our creative work – sharing it with others. 

At these times, all kinds of mental games can begin, from comparing our work to others that were accepted, and tearing their work apart, to denying that we even wanted this in the first place. It’s a quagmire of emotional reactions that inflame the situation and make that “no” impossible to move past or utilize in any other way. 

One of our greatest needs as humans is the need for acceptance, and one of our greatest fears is of being rejected for who we are. It is base needs mechanics for survival, and runs very deep in our psychology. 

As artists we are facing this fear constantly as we create and share our work. We are committed to making our art, even when many others around us may not understand why we would make that choice. We dedicate hours of our time and resources to strengthen our skills and develop our work, much of the time receiving very little in return – either in feedback, recognition or sales. This is why, as I have written about before, we need an anchoring purpose for why we are making our work. It keeps us afloat when the external world doesn’t always offer us much back to acknowledge our efforts. So with all this at play, spending some time working on how you’ll meet a rejection is time really well spent. 

Whether you’re an actor auditioning for a role or an artist applying to a gallery, if we accept that hearing “no” is an inevitable and natural part of being a creative and wanting to share your expression with others, we then normalize it, expect it, and can prepare our mindset to meet it when it arrives. 

By strengthening our mindset skills through mindfulness, self-compassion, and reflective writing, we can help ourselves to be better at managing our feelings when we hear “no.” Here are some things to work with and consider – and some of the inner discussion I had with myself when I received my recent “no”:

It’s Not Always About You – Many of the opportunities we take as artists are based on a selection process with a criteria that we are not aware of, or can control. Gallerists consider many things in their selection process – the artists they already have in their roster, the clientele they cater to, their personal preference, and the gallery mandate. If your work didn’t make the cut, there could be many other reasons beyond the reason you’re giving energy to. It may have nothing to do with the quality of your work, and it doesn't mean you are not good enough.

You Took Action – There is great reward in taking the necessary steps to submit your work, make your application and risk being judged by others. That in itself is a win, regardless of the outcome. This is where self-compassion and the ability to recognize yourself for the risk you took is so valuable, and is what will help you to do it again. Can you acknowledge that you took action in pursuit of your goal and that is meaningful?

Failure is Creative Fuel – As artists we need to be extraordinarily comfortable with failure and actually harness it for our creative growth. We know this aspect of making our work and what it has to offer us. Through embracing failure we discover, innovate and build new creative territory. What if we applied this same thinking to marketing our work, applying to galleries, and making applications? What if receiving a “no” could be harnessed as creative fuel, and motivated us to try again from this informed place? Yes, we may need some time to feel the disappointment, but it’s what we do next that is so important.

Make it Normal – When we normalize something, we don’t typically have strong reactions or feel that we are inherently flawed in response to it. We instead recognize that this is something a lot of other artists experience too. In fact, many well known artists, writers and musicians experienced multiple rejections before landing that breakthrough opportunity. If hearing “no” is just something that happens and not a roadblock loaded with baggage about your abilities or worth, then you’ll move through it much more easily and get back to work.

Detach From Outcomes – Just as we do in the creative process, we need to let go of being invested and attached to the outcome. And when we are, often something more amazing arrives for us – something we couldn’t have expected. This requires trust. We trust that if we received a “no” then that means we’re headed somewhere else…and that destination is not yet known. There is every possibility that it could be even better than what we were first shooting for. 

Be Your Own Cheerleader – What would you tell a dear friend who had just received a “no” and was struggling to accept it? How would you support that friend? Can you offer the same to yourself right now? We often say things to ourselves that we would never say to anyone else – harsh words, criticism, even condemnations. And words matter, whether we’re saying them to others or to ourselves. While it may feel a bit unnatural, and even silly, spending time writing a note of support to yourself can be equally as powerful as those negative messages. We talk to ourselves all the time, so why not give ourselves a good pep talk or a compassionate message of self-support. Perhaps there is a supportive, nurturing part of you that can speak to the part of you that feels small, rejected, and unsure. What can you say to yourself that helps you to feel better and allows you to return to a place of balance again?

Get Back in The Game – As soon as possible after the rejection, get back to making your creative work. Begin to work on your next proposal or submission. You’ll miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and often it takes a lot of shots to hit that goal. So begin again, knowing that the more you try the more likely you are to succeed. By returning to the making of your art you are also sending a clear message to yourself that art-making is not dependent on external circumstances, but only on your desire to live your purpose. 

How We Meet Hard Things is Important – It’s easy to be peaceful and balanced when things are going well. The real test for us is what we do in response to discomfort – to things being less than ideal. Often we want to avoid what’s hard. It’s natural and hardwired in. So we can assume that will be our tendency and can be mindful of that. With that awareness we can remind ourselves of our commitment to wellbeing and meet the emotional charge with compassion to help it regulate within us. Our stress can be mitigated when we practice meeting the hard things more sensitively and with care.

In my next post I’ll explore the aspect of feeling “no '' which helps us discern the truth about our feelings, allowing us to find clarity and set boundaries – with others and ourselves.

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